


From Limbo

by letempsmangelavie



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Cheating, Drama, Multi, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 05:27:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14206062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/letempsmangelavie/pseuds/letempsmangelavie
Summary: He doesn’t want to return home, not to that empty apartment, that lonely room. Moreover, Kise could be there, waiting for him to come to his senses, to acknowledge that they can’t stay mad to each other for long. That is what they do after all, they fight, they yell, they hurt one another, but in the end they always come back to each other’s arms. But not this time, Daiki is breaking this awful cycle, or at least attempting to. That’s why he can’t go back, not yet at least.





	From Limbo

_Kise. Sweet and pure Kise. Your sun ray like hair illuminates the room and casts to nothingness all which has the misfortune to not cross its path. The gold in your eyes arouses greed even in the most humble. Your lips a gentle peach color, cruelly kissing the light that reflects in them all of the suffering, the pain and the guilt. Trapped, trapped in a prison of paper and glass called frame, unable to be sullied by mundane actions. Such a perfect portrayal, such a sublime image, it defeats the blood and flesh person. Tell me, Kise, why is so easy to hate today that which yesterday we held in our hands with the most tender of loves? Observe closely from the wall as we come to an end._

It’s all falling through the window, Kise’s belongings, the love Daiki had felt for him, and their life together. The clothes paint  the deserted sidewalk in a parade of misery and shame. First fell Kise’s Dior black suit, the one he probably loved more than himself, and others that could’ve been Valentino or Saint Laurent. On the other side of the locked entrance door, cries for forgiveness disrupt the otherwise quiet night. _I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to_ , they don’t  matter. Then came the Gucci jackets, the Armani pants, and all those shirts and sweaters from designers whose name Daiki never even bother to learn. His Louis Vuitton suitcases, his Versace underwear, his Prada shoes, everything Kise loved, all those things he cherished laid on the dirty ground;

For a moment Daiki feels his rage would burst out the entire apartment into flames. Meanwhile, Kise continues to cry desperately outside the door, but Daiki can’t hear his pleading. He too wishes, like the words, to vanish into thin air, unminded, unheard and forgotten.

It wouldn’t fade, the image of Kise laying with someone else, it was now engraved in his mind; and like the most painful memories, it brought along the promise of remaining there eternally. All Daiki wishes for is to forget, forget it, forget him. But that fatidic scene replays on his mind every second. He sees himself going to pick Kise up from work since the blond had forgotten his keys that morning; it was supposed to be a surprise, an apology for the fight they had the night before. But all the remorse he felt disappeared the minute he walked into Kise’s dressing room, to find him half naked, on top of a beautiful woman whose legs tightly embraced him. The lewd noises coming from their mouths still resonated on his ears like a sour melody. And even more haunting than that was the expression on his face, before realizing Daiki was standing by the door. He couldn’t quite make out what it was, was he burning in rage, drowning in pleasure? Exactly what went through his mind as he destroyed their three year relationship?

That thought brings along a feeling of nausea accumulating in his stomach. His eyes wander up and down their apartment, the apartment that was no longer theirs, but his, alone. Yet it still smells like Kise and it was suffocating, even without his belongings his essence had impregnated on every wall, every piece of furniture, every inch of floor and every light. And most of all, he remains in every photo, every portrait hanged across the apartment, each a vivid reminder of the happy moments they shared which now seem nothing but vain and fictitious. They hadn’t been that happy, no one could be, yet in those photos they seemed so, trapped in world of delusion and fantasy. _Smile, smile a little  more, smile for me, Kise, even if you don’t feel like it, even if it hurts, you’ll feel better after._ He can imagine all the photographers chanting to the blond, it’s no wonder why he was such a master at deceiving. Before he realizes, he’s smashing the photos, all of them, until nothing but broken glass remains where their smiles used to be. The commotion must have scared Kise, as he begins to smack the door even louder. _Please, open up, let’s talk about this._ But his cries remain ignored by Daiki, who continues to tear apart their memories. Why are there so many of them?

In the end, the walls seem hauntingly empty and are the most horrid of whites.

But _that_ portrait remains untouched, among all the other broken ones, the one of such infinite beauty it’s cruel to see. It’s perhaps the most vivid reminder of his boyfriend, its eyes pierce Daiki’s, they mock him, reminding him of the perfection he can never hold on his arms again. He wants to smash it too, like the rest, maybe even more. While the real Kise begs for forgiveness, this one stares right through Daiki, unapologetically. No, this isn’t Kise, Kise has flaws, so many Daiki can’t even begin counting, whereas the person portrayed doesn’t have a single one. His eyes could bring the world to its knees. How can he bring himself to smash it like all the other false memories, especially when this one is the only pure Kise among all the tainted ones.

It’s then when, for the first time in what feels like an eternity, there’s complete and utter silence. Kise wasn’t knocking on the door anymore. Perhaps the neighbors started to complain about the noise he was making and he decided to leave. Or maybe he remained standing by the door in the hopes Daiki would let him in. Either way, he doesn’t feel the need to find out. The calmness also brings with it an unbearable feel of exhaustion. How late was it? He knows he needs to rest but he can’t imagine sleeping that night. Once in bed, the warmness of the covers distract his mind even for a second from the loneliness that emanates from the sight of the empty side of the bed. But the rage and sorrow come back as quickly as they left. Never before had he felt such betrayal, such fury and such sadness. The pain is so great it feels like it will never stop. Had he known such was the destiny of their relationship, he never would have asked Kise to move in with him; better yet, he wished to go back to when they started dating three years ago, when, between whispers Kise confessed his feeling towards him. Maybe even better would be to return to when they first meet, more than a decade ago, and erase their history together completely. And even between the hatred and hurt, he trembles before the thought of losing him, the thought of the empty apartment and empty bed, the thought of waking up and not finding him sleeping next to him. He wants to rest but the sleep does nothing but elude him.

His world crumbled down the night before, nevertheless the next day arrives unmercifully. A part of him hoped everything had been a nightmare from which he would wake up feeling refreshed and relieved. Unfortunately, that ilusion is shattered when he wakes up to the same mess of an apartment he left a few hours ago. The broken bits of glass from the frames remain scattered all over the floor, causing small cuts on his feet. He sweeps and throws them, along with whatever remains from the photos, into the trash. Only then he notices the red droplets that stained some of the broken glasses, and the small wounds they’d caused, but little does it matter; in fact, he can barely feel anything. After that he takes a shower, hoping the water would wash away his restlessness and last night’s memories; but while the blood disappears down the drain along with a gentle stream of water, his mind remains disturbed and exhausted, even more with the thought of having to go to work. Nothing has changed after all, he still has to work and his boss won’t take some lame excuse like ‘I got my heart broken.’ It’s for the best, perhaps work will distract his mind enough for him to be able to forget, even for a moment.

The office he works at is grey and dull, but strangely peaceful. He wants to merge with such an environment. Sure, none of the employees seem particularly content, but they don’t appear miserable either. That is the most one can aspire to when happiness seems out of grasp, to not be unhappy. But Daiki had always been an ambitious man, the mediocrity of this uncomplicated and meaningless job often troubled him. But his days of being the strongest man on the court were long gone and all the melancholy in the world couldn’t bring them back. Therefore he settled for a simpler life, far more stable, far calmer, a difficult decision certainly, specially when his future in basketball had looked so bright at a time, but nevertheless, necessary. Though sometimes he wondered if Kise ever felt disappointed in him for settling down for ordinary.

Throughout the day, the small attempts Kise makes to contact Daiki prevent him from concentrating on his work. The constant calls, the annoying messages, he ignores them all. He doesn’t need to read them, he knows exactly what they say: meaningless shit, empty words. He could imagine Kise typing them, with shaky fingers and teary eyes, making the useless effort, as if it would change anything or make this right. It’s only natural he doesn’t bother to open any of them. But then those words appear on his screen and his whole body freezes, unable to look away, _I love you, you can’t imagine how much I love you_ . For several incredibly long minutes his eyes remain fixated on that worthless message, false, artificial. _Liar, liar,_ he thinks _._ With each second, his urge to scream increases until his throat aches. Now his own fingers tremble and his eyes burn. And he can’t do anything but remain still as those cursed words take over him, like a disease spreading to every fiber of his body. Once he regains control of himself, he does the only logical thing he can think of, block his number, delete his messages, turn off his cellphone, anything that can take his mind away from Kise, from last night, from the painful death of their future together.

Only after doing that was he able to concentrate on the work in front on him. Regardless of how maddeningly boring paperwork could get, at least it occupied his mind completely, or enough to erase the blond from his thoughts. He loses track of time after that. Before he realizes, the mountain of paperwork sitting on his desk diminishes by half, as if his mind had shut down an his body kept on auto mode. He could probably have gone on like so for hours and hours, but a familiar voice brings him back to reality.

“Daiki.” The voice belongs to Momoi, his longtime friend and coworker, who stands next to him with a worried expression. How long had she been there for? He suddenly notices the office is almost empty, and looking at the time it made sense, everyone was probably at their lunch break. “It’s not like you to miss a meal” she jokes, “come on, let’s go get something to eat.” He isn’t particularly hungry, but he also knows that if he refuses she’ll notice something’s off, though he’s pretty sure she has already sensed it.

Nevertheless he follows her without any objections. They agree to go to a nearby restaurant. The walk there is strangely quiet, Momoi has never been the reserved type, quite the opposite in fact, yet she’s barely saying anything. Something definitely seems to trouble her, but she can’t find the words to express it. By the time they get there, one thing becomes clear. “You know, don’t you?” Daiki asks.

Momoi lowers her head and nods, unable to look his friend in the eyes. Their meals are served relatively quickly and they both rush to eat, attempting to fill the uncomfortable silence between them. “He called me last night, pretty late too.” Momoi begins to explain after a while. “He told me what happened, and that you kicked him out.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Daiki tells her.

“I could hear he had been crying.” She keeps going as if she hadn’t hear him. “He asked me to convince you to talk to him at least.”

“I told you I don’t want to hear it!” he raises his voice, drawing the attention of a few.

“I told him I wouldn’t do it, Daiki.” she assures him. “Though I do think you should. You need to set things straight, just avoiding him isn’t good for either of you. If you really want to break things off with him, tell him clearly.”

“Mind your own business.” Annoyed at her stubbornness, he stands up and leaves the restaurant. This is exactly the reason why he didn’t want her to find out. He doesn’t need anyone’s pity, nor anyone telling him how to handle it. What’s more, he doesn’t need a conversation with his cheating boyfriend. The only thing he could use at the moment is some peace and quiet. What good would do to talk about it anyway? It surely won’t bring them back together, in fact, once they get to talk there will be nothing left but to break up, no to mention it would leave Daiki feeling even more devastated by knowing every detail of Kise’s infidelity.

After that, he goes back to his desk and continues on where he left off. He doesn’t see Momoi for the rest of the day, at least that he’s grateful for. Soon, the clock starts announcing the end of his shift, but he pays no mind to it. His coworkers must have been surprised to see him working still when everyone else were already leaving, but no one said anything. Truth to be told, Daiki’s well aware of the unpaid extra hours he’s serving, and while the idea of working for free doesn’t please him much, what’s the alternative? Going back home?

He doesn’t want to return home, not to that empty apartment, that lonely room. Moreover, Kise could be there, waiting for him to come to his senses, to acknowledge that they can’t stay mad to each other for long. That is what they do after all, they fight, they yell, they hurt one another, but in the end they always come back to each other’s arms. But not this time, Daiki is breaking this awful cycle, or at least attempting to. That’s why he can’t go back, not yet at least.

Perhaps that is why Kise forgot his keys that day, because he too wanted to leave, to break this cycle. Perhaps he didn’t want Daiki to hurt him anymore. But then, why did he ask for forgiveness after? Why did he cry regretfully behind the locked door?

However, at some point in the night, the exhaustion wins over, and after acknowledging that he can’t sleep there, he decides to head home.

There’s nobody waiting for him when he arrives. Maybe Kise did went there and knocked incessantly for a while. There’s no way to know. All Daiki is sure of is the dreadful silence surrounding his place. In that moment, he can’t help but remember Kise’s message. _Liar_ , he thinks once more, _how many lies have we said to each other because the truth was too hard to bear? If I saw you now, how many more would you tell me? And yet I would take them gladly; deep down everyone despises honesty, and I’m just the same. I don’t want to hear you’ve stopped loving me, I don’t want to know if you hate me, I don’t want to know if you find the thought of being with me so unbearable that you seek someone else to lay with in hopes it will take away the smell of me from your clothes even for a little while. I too despise you now, Kise, and yet all the rage inside of me can’t shut down the love I still feel for you. But how could I bring myself to tell you that?_

The first week passes like so. Kise doesn’t come back, Daiki doesn’t speak with him either. The thought of that night continues to bring him nothing but rage and despair. He also keeps on taking long shifts, and by the time he gets home the overwhelming exhaustion prevents him from noticing the emptiness of his apartment. By the time Saturday arrives, he’s so visibly tired his boss dismisses him early, and while he’s reluctant to leave at first, he ends up accepting. He should’ve gone home but that place is so infinitely void it drives him insane, there’s nothing there, no one to come home to, nothing to do. He wanders around the city instead. On his way, his eyes are drawn towards those ridiculously expensive boutiques Kise loves shopping at. Since all that money Daiki had been saving to buy a house of their own is now useless, he might as well spend all of it in something lavish and absurd, just like Kise would. But that wouldn’t be the greatest of ideas considering rent is due in a couple of weeks and now he has to pay it all by himself.

The city is filled with indifferent people, walking aimlessly. Daiki wished he could become one of them, careless and absentminded, but he founds himself worrying still about too many insignificant things. He didn’t use to be like this, in fact, one of his characteristic traits back in high school was his impetuous and heedless attitude. Perhaps he had become more mature since, which wasn’t necessarily a good thing. If the two of them had started dating in high school, Daiki probably wouldn’t have cared for anyone’s opinion, but now he often hid their relationship from anyone who wasn’t a close friend. He could’ve had a career in basketball but he settled for something to pay the bills. They weren’t youngsters anymore and Kise often had a hard time dealing with it; maybe that’s why Daiki sometimes found his behavior enraging. He continued to be reckless and senseless, which had cause Daiki to become the rational one, a part that didn’t suit him in the least. Maybe that’s why they fight all the time, because Daiki can never tell if Kise is serious about him or not.

In that moment, he receives a text from Momoi, asking him to her place later on. Well aware of the fact that she may plan on lecturing him again, Daiki ends up accepting. Anything that could entertain him for a while is fine, anything that can take his mind off Kise. Having a place to go other than his apartment is somewhat comforting.

It’s almost nine o’clock when he arrives at Momoi’s place. He didn’t do much all day but await the time of their meet, as pathetic as it was. Though in that moment, before ringing the bell, he wonders if he should go back. After all, Momoi won’t do anything else but annoy him about his troubles. Is it really worth entering at all? But before he can decide, the door suddenly bursts open, and he sees not his childhood friend but Kagami, another member of their small social group. “What are you doing standing here?” he says as he sees Daiki. After that, he has no choice but to come in. “Be right back, I’m gonna buy some beer” the redhead announces before leaving.

Momoi greets him as soon as she notices him, next to him is Kuroko, another old time friend. For a while, the three of them chat about mundane, unimportant things. There was a time where Momoi deeply loved Kuroko, a love which was never fulfilled, yet in this moment the two of them could sit together and talk to each other effortlessly. For a minute Daiki wonders if Kise and him could ever manage to stay friends after breaking up. That thought brings a bitter taste on his mouth, difficult to swallow.

Kagami returns after some minutes. A warm atmosphere is created with everyone, they joke, they laugh, but, strangely, no one mentions Kise. They ask Daiki about work, about his apartment, about whether or not he’s getting enough sleep, but nothing about the blond. He’s sure Kuroko and Kagami know by now, Momoi surely told them, otherwise there would be no reason to not bring him up. He also knows they must be dying to bring on the subject, but they’re probably being cautious not to upset him, courtesy he probably wouldn’t have with either of them.   

They do break the subject eventually, after they’ve had dinner and after they’ve drank all the beer Kagami brought. Out of the four, Kuroko is the best at holding their liquor -Daiki is the worst- so he’s the first one to speak. “Have you two really broken up?” he asks Daiki. Yet, he answers nothing, mainly because he doesn’t know what to say. _Yes_ , or _not yet_ , or _we will_. As for now, they are in a limbo like state, uncertain of where they stand as a couple, which Daiki wishes to maintain before having to face reality.

In light of the silence, is Momoi who gives an answer, “They won’t break up.”  Her voice is plain but confident, with an ever so slight hint of arrogance. The other two, feeling the harshness of the words, gesture her to calm down, but she continues “I’m only telling the truth. I know that right now every ounce of your body is struggling against the urge to forgive him, but eventually you’ll give in.”

“Shut up.” he replies in a low voice. “This time is different. I...” _won’t forgive him, never._ But he couldn’t bring himself to speak such words, his throat closes as if it refused to accept what Daiki was trying to convey.

“Why are you so afraid of leaving him?” She speaks once more, “You’ll find someone else, eventually. He will too.” That’s unthinkable. To do so would be to admit that all things end insignificantly, that they don’t mean anything, that everyone are disposable and all loves finite. To what end were they brought together only to be separated by time? To what end do we love?

The answers won’t come. But the doubts remain around him like a thin layer of smoke, asphyxiating him. He needs to get out of there, so he leaves without saying a word. Outside, a heavy rain falls into the city, as if they sky itself could feel in its clouds the same angst he did in the soul. The downpour floods the streets and forces Daiki to seek shelter. Only a few minutes under the rain were enough to soak his clothes completely. He wants to head home but it feels so far away, and the storm feels like it will never stop. He finds haven from the rain under the entrance of a now closed building. He remains there for a while, observing the tempest unfolding in front of him. He doesn’t move, he doesn’t speak, he doesn’t think. Through the streets the filthy water accumulates and runs wildly like a river.

After a few hours the tempest ceases and leaves behind nothing but a light drizzle. Instinctively, Daiki’s feet start carrying him home though the empty streets. Small raindrops land on his face and fall leaving a slight burning sensation behind, like tears of rage.

It’s almost midnight when he reaches his building. Once more into the empty space that reminds him everything he’s lost. He’s beginning to feel empty as well. As he opens the door, he’s surprised with a gentle draft touching his skin, as if the last remains from the storm had followed him home. The first thing his eyes are drawn to as he turns on the lights is the open window across the living room. Perhaps it was the accumulated exhaustion of a week of restless sleep what lead him to leave it open without realizing  that morning; perhaps it was the suffocating summer heat that struck over the city up until the precise moment the rain started. Either way, it had been an unfortunate mistake, the water had enter all over the apartment, it was on the furniture, on the counter, on the walls, on the floor. But that’s all meaningless against the one unmendable tragedy unveiling right in front of him: the filthy rain had found its way into that photo, Kise’s portrait. The frame wasn’t able to shield it against the water and nothing remained from that perfect photograph but a smudge of ink. It’s a visual reminder of the ephemeral nature of all beautiful things. Daiki shakes his head and closes his eyes, in denial of what he’s seeing. He falls on his knees like defeated for a superior force, one he can’t, or won’t, understand. A pain like no other takes over him, it’s on his chest, on his head, on his stomach, and it crawls beneath his skin.  

He screams until his throat becomes sore. The same thought replays on his mind over and over again _. Where has the serene expression fadden into? Where are the honey orbs? Where the divinity? What remains of the sublime image? A miserable portrait, a sad depiction; but perhaps closer to reality. What remains from us, Kise, but this? A bittersweet memory that makes the heart ache and the blood burn._

And in that moment, he gets an indescribable urge to see Kise. Beyond all logic and reason, he wants to see him; even if he doesn’t know what he’ll say to him or what he’ll do; even for a second, even if it is to say goodbye. Said feeling grows larger by the second, making him anxious, like an addict craving what ultimately will end him. But how to reach him when he feels so far away? Where could he find him?

There’s only one place Daiki imagined the blond could be; he often ran there when the world became too difficult to bear with. A place that brought him peace when everything else was chaotic. Daiki runs there in the middle of the night, still clueless as to why he’s doing it, leaving all the mess at his apartment behind.

Daiki could never understand what exactly did Kise love so much about his sister’s place. Perhaps it was the homey feel that the house emanates. His sister, her husband, their two children, they all seem so genuinely happy. A true happiness, unlike their own. Maybe it was admiration, or maybe envy, because him and Daiki could never be like them.

The house isn’t too big but Daiki always thought it somehow stood out from rest.  He knocks on the door once, _Someday_ , Daiki used to think, _someday we’ll live in one just like this, just as warm, just as lovely_. He knocks once more, and suddenly the thought of what he’s doing sinks in. But before he has time to move, the door opens. Kise’s sister stands in front of him, visibly confused to see him. “Aomine? Do you have any idea what time it is?” He feels embarrassed but the urge to meet Kise surpases every other emotion.

“Where is he? Where’s Ryouta?” he asks her.

“He’s not here.” Daiki’s expression falls in disappointment. “He went out, but maybe he’ll be back soon.”

“I’ll wait for him.”

“No, no. You can’t be here, this is my home. My husband and my children are sleeping. You need to leave.”

“Please, I need to see him.” he raises his voice. Perhaps it’s the despair audible in his voice what makes her pity him.

“Pick a place. I’ll tell him to meet you there once he gets home. But not here.” What exactly are his intentions she can’t say for certain; perhaps that is the night where their twisted form of love perishes, maybe it’s the night where it’s revived. Either way, she doesn’t want to know. And this way, at least she can give her brother a chance to escape from it all, if he wishes to.

He does so and then leaves without looking back. The place was a nearby park where they often took Kise’s nephews whenever they visit them. There wasn’t a particular reason for choosing said place other than proximity, not only to the house but to the warm memories it brought. There, he sits in a bench, waiting. Up above, the stars are shining brightly, innocently unaware of all the mundane sorrows down below.

While Daiki awaited, each passing minute feels like an eternity. Maybe Kise wouldn’t come at all, what exactly does he hopefully await in that summer night, sitting alone with his own thoughts and the starry sky? A miracle, an illusion, a dream? Does he want to forgive Kise, or does he want to end it all? The only thing he’s certain is that if those golden orbs would look at him once more, and in them the light reflected even the slightest bit of hope, all doubts would vanish. But the wound is still fresh and the anger present, the unforgettable memory haunted him still. And perhaps Kise was upset as well, that’s why he wasn’t coming. Maybe he doesn’t want Daiki’s forgiveness, he wants to be hated by him, maybe then he wouldn’t feel guilty for doing the same. That much Daiki was convinced, that Kise must have really loathed him for him to cheat. And it had worked, Daiki hates Kise as well, for all he’s done, for how much he’s hurt him yet he feels an immense need of him. Isn’t it possible Kise feels the same way?

In the distance, quick steps can be heard, as if someone was approaching.  Before he has the chance to react, the blond is standing right in front of him. “Daiki.” he says between pants, trying to recover his breath. Daiki says nothing, he doesn’t know exactly what it is but something strange is occurring in his mind. It all goes blank, and finally, he finds clarity. As if the never ending rain had purified him from all the incredible agony and rage. It all vanished, like the words with the wind. “Daiki” Kise says once more.

But he remains silent, speechless. Last week he had so many things he wanted to tell the blond, but now nothing was coming out. “I’m sorry” Kise says finally.

Daiki isn’t surprised, in fact, those were the only words he was sure to hear from him. Those empty words that make absolutely no difference, they mean nothing, they are nothing. “Do you love her?” he replies, because that is the only thing that matters in all of this, love.

“Love?” Kise asks to himself, almost in a whisper. He can’t help but laugh, incessantly. Daiki couldn’t have asked something more ridiculous if he tried. “Of course not. Daiki, I don’t love anyone but you. That was just…” He notices something odd about Daiki’s look, he seems displeased, as if he hoped for something else, as if the words he said were painful to hear. “Would you rather I had?” he asks in disbelief.

“I’d rather you hadn’t done it, but if you had loved her at least it wouldn’t have been all for nothing.”

“There wasn’t an ounce of love in what I did. That time, something inside me just snapped. I felt in me such an incredible fury, as if all the hurting and anger of each and every one of our fights had piled up and was now bursting out. I felt I was being crushed under the weight of such hatred, or that it would consume me if I didn’t do something.”

“How can you feel for me both love and contempt? It’s not possible...”

“It is exactly because I love you immensely that I sometimes hate you. If my love for you wasn’t this strong I wouldn’t feel such overwhelming emotions taking over me. Aren’t you the same, Daiki? Think about all the cruel things you say to me when we fight, is that really you speaking out of love?”

Daiki’s blue eyes stare deeply into Kise’s. The blond’s eyes seem empty and Daiki can’t tell what he’s thinking, just like _that_ night. It had always been frightening for him not to be able to read what’s on his mind. But this time, he finds it comforting, for reasons he himself can’t understand. Kise also finds some sort of comfort in Daiki’s gaze, mainly because he doesn’t look upset anymore. He vaguely wonders what sort of look he had that night, when the wooden door separated them.

When the look on Kise’s eyes becomes too heavy to hold, he averts his gaze. Instead, he looks up; whenever he gazes the sky, he feels crushed under its inmensity. The universe is so vast, and then there’s them, small and insignificant. A life that escapes from them like water through open fingers, a love as ephemeral as a gentle breeze before an unending summer.  

“I never meant to make you unhappy.” Daiki says, lost in his own thoughts.

“You’ve also made incredibly happy. So why does it matter?”

“It matters, it matters because happiness and love shouldn’t come and go like they meant nothing. If we love and our love fades, we weren’t loving properly; if we’re happy one moment and miserable the next, our happiness was unreal. You wanted to end things too, didn’t you? You saw all of this even before I did, so why do you act surprised of my words?”

“It’s true, I thought I wanted to break up. I felt frustrated and alone, and I ended up doing something impulsive out of anger. But I realized I don’t want to lose you, even if being together is difficult and sometimes painful; I can take it if things aren’t perfect, but not having you is truly unbearable.”  With his hands he holds Daiki’s head, while pressing their foreheads together, trying to transmit him those feelings which words cannot express. But even when their bodies were only a few inches apart, they feel light years away from one another.

Daiki still couldn’t meet Kise’s eyes. His hands are now tighly grabbing his hair, forcing their eyes to meet. “Daiki, look at me. Am I really not enough? Are we not enough?”

He doesn’t reply, but his silence tells Kise everything he needed to know. His hands slowly let go off him and he steps away from Daiki. In the end, he couldn’t reach him, he couldn’t get through him. Perhaps it was too idealistic to think they could move past this.But just as he’s about to leave, Daiki’s hand grasps his arm and closes the distance between them. No more than a second after, the feeling of the his lips invades him completely.

They have every reason to stop, in fact, Daiki can sense this can’t lead to any good; but the melancholy and sadness are like a thick fog surrounding them and he’s left feeling completely lost from all common sense. After all, their minds might be distant but their bodies have always work together in perfect synchrony. Perhaps their problem was to overthink things when acting was so much easier. It’s best not to think, so they don’t, instead they follow one another through the deserted streets towards Daiki’s apartment, or their old place. The walk there was surprisingly fast after their lips reencounter. Neither says a word, there’s really nothing to say, or rather, there’s too much. This should be more complicated, Daiki thinks as he removes the blond’s clothes, but for whatever reason it feels like the easiest thing in the world.

If Kise were to say something, he would probably ask him if that means they’re back together, but he keeps quiet because he already knows the answer; this doesn’t mean anything. It’s an empty action performed by two empty people doing only what feels natural to them. Daiki feels the same, though reason and logic warn him to stop, his body urges to be inside the blond, as simple as that. So what if their bodies can’t close the distance between their souls? As for that moment, they are one.

And in that moment, before he can feel his orgasm about to take over him, deliciously, painfully and violently, Daiki understands something, about himself, about Kise, about them. He finally understands why all those photos he had shattered and thrown away depicted the most surreal form of happiness, it was because they had indeed been happy. Their happiness hadn’t been more fictitious than the sorrow they currently experimented. Yet, his enchantment with perfection had lead him to destroy all their truthful memories and leave untouched the only artificial one. In a way it was a reflection of everything that had gone wrong with their relationship. Somewhere, among all the rage and confusion, Daiki had lost sight of what they had once been, but now the sweet moans and the small drops of sweat dripping from the blond hair acted as vivid reminders, which he had no choice but to embrace tenderly. Nobody had the right to deny the love he had felt for Kise and the happiness it brought him; it was as real as their fingers intertwining, their lips kissing, and the tears falling from their faces. It was as real as the sky and the stars above their heads, illuminating the night were it all ended, but maybe, just maybe, it wouldn’t end. And if it did, at least it would end with an orgasm, distracting them from the unbearable sadness. Such is the comfort Daiki finds as he reaches his climax.

* * *

Before succumbing to a restless sleep, Kise vaguely wonders if this is truly the last night they’ll share together.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for bearing with me through this, specially since as you can probably tell, English isn’t my native language. While the story might be a bit vague or inconsistent at parts, I hope you were able to enjoy it even a little. This was an idea that had been circling my mind for a while and I finally got down to writing it; for a one-shot it took me way longer than I expected but I’m glad I was able to finish this at last. Though I can’t say I’m totally happy with how this turned out, I did like it enough to share it, which is a first for me! I’m really sorry about the awful characterization and it’s definitely something I’ll work on if I decide to post another work. I want to thank my amazing beta-reader DigimonDestined for helping me to improve this work, without her words of encouragement and suggestions this would have been a mess, and I’m really glad I had such a talented writer to help me out! Anyway, thank you for reading and if you have any feedback or anything else to say, please leave me a comment. I would really appreciate it!


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